The stress of caring for a family member sometimes negatively activates how we see our current caregiving situation and it can disempower us and everyone involved. One of the most common, and potentially dangerous, activations we can experience is to perceive ourselves and others through the lens of the “Drama Triangle.” The perspective of the “Drama Triangle” is that people are considered heroes (aka stronger or smarter than others), victims (aka weaker or more helpless), and villains (aka bullies). The interesting thing about this triangle is: it disempowers everyone involved – all three sets of people.
Realizing the Impact of the Drama Triangle Lens
Historically, most of us have been conditioned to the Drama Triangle and the dynamics it creates without even knowing it. For instance, think of how often you hear these phrases: victim of a crime, victim of cancer, and support groups for victims. Even our health is seen in terms of invaders, rescuers, and victims within and around our bodies. That form of messaging conditions us to view life as being focused around attack, defense, and rescue, when there is actually much more stability and security available.
When we see people through the lens of the Drama Triangle, we pigeon-hole them, and this is not productive and not healthy. Have you ever noticed that when someone sees themselves as playing one of the roles in the Drama Triangle, they see someone playing the other roles, too? How often do you see the caregiver feeling she cannot take time to care for herself because she is the only person who can handle what needs to be done, aka “everyone depends on me”?
The Drama Triangle perspective ignores the truth that everyone has the potential to be strong, weak, or self-centered at times, and everyone has the potential to contribute to their own well-being and to the well-being of others.
How to Stay Outside of the Drama Triangle
Are you “victimizing”, “villainizing”, or seeing someone in your life as a “hero” today? If so, I encourage you to soften and release that perspective. You can replace it with a perspective that everyone is doing the best they can with what they are working with, including you. Here are some steps to help you:
1. Recognize what role you are playing
- See and feel that role with its gifts and shortcomings
2. Accept responsibility for your feelings and actions
- Where could you stop giving energy to the Drama Triangle through changing your thoughts, feelings, words, or actions?
3. Release responsibility for others’ feelings or actions
- While you care about others, each person is responsible for their own feelings and actions. You are not responsible for others’ feelings or actions.
The Benefits of Stepping Out of the Drama Triangle
When we are willing to step out of the victim-villain-hero story, we receive unexpected gifts that help us experience life with less stress and more joy. By coming into conscious awareness of our participation in the Drama Triangle, and choosing to step out of it, we get to:
- Shed struggle
- Experience compassion instead of anger or fear
- Realize our innate value, and that our value does not need defending
- Empower ourselves and others involved
- Realize we live in a benign universe that supports well-being
We are all different in the ways we respond to each moment, yet we all want to be happy, to be understood, to love, and be loved. There are very few masters of life. We are all “a work in progress.”
“The first step to wisdom is silence. The second step is to listen through your heart.’
